I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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