I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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