Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
