you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
