is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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