After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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