you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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