he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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