I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
