I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
