Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
