this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
