i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Did we literally take a cab across the street
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
