I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
