so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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