I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
They have beer where we have blood.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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