mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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