so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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