Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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