if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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