whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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