i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She said her name was "party"
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he fucked my hip out of place.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
