Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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