K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
