Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
