Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize