Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize