Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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