Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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