I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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