That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
