Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
