big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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