I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
