I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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