On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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