does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
