I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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