my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
