apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He better not be in your backpack
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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