I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
