You're my little dorito
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
