Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
