I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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