You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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