I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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