Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
