If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
