Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
