Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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