I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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