I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
