Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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