you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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