There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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