Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize