Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
