i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize