Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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