God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
