I just threw up on my dentist
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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