Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize